


Monster

by moonbeambucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 14:34:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13836783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbeambucky/pseuds/moonbeambucky
Summary: Is Bucky Barnes a monster or a man fighting the monsters of his past?





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> This is the internal monologue of Bucky during the events of Civil War, based on the song “Monster” from the new Frozen Musical. As soon as I heard it I thought of Bucky.

> **_It’s finally come, come to knock down my door  
>  I can’t hide this time like I hid before_ **

Romania was nice while it lasted.

In the years that passed since D.C., since my eyes were opened up while everything else was crashing down, all I did was move around. I could never stay anywhere for too long. I couldn’t trust anyone, still can’t, but finally after running for years I thought I found some peace.

Romania felt like it could be a fresh start, a place where I could finally sort out my scrambled mind. I was settled here, well as settled as someone who’s only known running could ever be, but still this was home, I guess.

Home.

This will never be Brooklyn. Brooklyn was home to a person that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe this isn’t home, but for now, it was a place where I was able to lay my head down, oddly comforted by the crack running across the ceiling. It’s familiar, reminding me all too much of myself. A crack in my brain. I’m damaged.

The old mattress provided little comfort but I didn’t mind. It was a place to rest and I…I’m so tired. Funny how someone can be tired after sleeping for so long, if you can call it that. I was kept away in storage like fine china put on display until it was absolutely necessary to use. I was used.

I knew this day would come. Nothing lasts forever. Standing in front of me, the broad back of my former foe… a friend? Steve. He’s here. He found me. But I didn’t want this, I’m not ready to face him. Not ready to confront the truth of what I’ve become– no, what I was. I’m not that person anymore.  _Am I?_

> **_The storm is awake, the danger is real  
>  My time’s running out, don’t feel, don’t feel_ **

Stop. No! The damn words. I wanted to forget them. Why couldn’t I forget them? I don’t want to become this. I never asked for this! 

Locked away in the back of my aching mind I’m screaming. Let me out. Please this isn’t me. This isn’t who I want to be. I know these faces, I don’t want to fight them, I don’t want to fight– but I can’t stop it. The monster has awakened. I’ll never be free. 

Don’t feel.

That’s what they’ve always wanted. Hollow, empty… a mindless soldier. But I feel, deep down, where I’m trapped I feel and I remember. The pain, the lives… so much death. I can’t stop it but I want to. I’m here but not for long. The monster takes over, destruction in his path. I’ll never be free. 

> **_All this pain, all this fear began because of me  
>  Is the thing they see, the thing I have to be_ **

Pain.

It’s all I’ve ever known. It’s so familiar I fucking hate it. Memories of my life before pain have been wiped away but every now and then there’s a flash. A tiny flicker of light, of the person I was. I was the light. I was good. I was a soldier.

Captured.

That’s when the pain began. Injections, machines, it hurt so much. Why me? The fall. Why didn’t I die? The monster lived but I’m barely surviving.

Hundreds of faces running away from me, from the monster leaving bodies in his wake. Just follow the path of blood and you’ll find me. 

I’m fighting, I’m trying to fight him, to break free but I can’t. And the worst part is you can’t see it any of it, my struggle. You just see the monster.

> **_A monster, were they right?_  
> ** Has the dark in me finally come to light?  
>  Am I a monster full of rage  
>  Nowhere to go but on a rampage?  
>  Or am I just a monster in a cage? 

A monster.

Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy. Those were the monsters of my day but I’m different, I’m real. I can’t stop the cameras, the makeup doesn’t come off. This is me. The person I used to be is barely hanging on, consumed by the darkness. The monster is real.

* * *

I’m awake now. The real me, I think… Am I even real anymore? I’m trapped again, this time it’s my arm. No– this metal appendage is not mine, it’s not  _me_. It’s part of the monster or is there even a difference anymore? 

I hear them talking, their soft whispers echoing through the vacant halls of this building. I can’t move, trapped by a machine. It’s a well rehearsed routine, being restrained until I’m of use to someone.

I recognize their faces, my friend, my past. He wants answers. I don’t know if I’m ready to give them. I needed more time to work things out. Maybe they should leave me here for their safety, for the world’s. I am chaos incarnate, lock me up. Let me fade away into a distant memory.

> ****_Do I keep on running?_  
>  How far do I have to go?  
>  And will that take the storm away  
>  Or only make it grow 

Romania is gone and now the whole world is after me. They are not safe either, my friends. It seems weird to call them that. Steve was a friend. I remember him, in bits and pieces of a puzzle yet to be assembled but I remember. I remember the other man too. I don’t think we have good memories but he’s here, helping me… helping  _Steve_  help me.

Running again.

I guess it’s something I’ll never escape. We’re driving to some destination. Is there any distance the world will be safe from me?

The longer we run the harder it will be to come back. Not for me, monsters don’t get comebacks but for Steve.

He’s everything I’ll never be, the good this world, a bright star shining in the darkness. He’s doing this, risking everything for me. No, not for me…

> **_I’m making my world colder  
>  How long can it survive?  
>  Is everyone in danger as long as I’m alive?_ **

Monsters.

I’m not the only one. The others are waiting to be unleashed and that’s where we have to go. We’ll stop the monsters and then…

> ****_Was I a monster from the start?_  
>  How did I end up with this frozen heart?  
>  Bringing destruction to the stage  
>  Caught in a war that I never meant to wage 

For now there’s fighting. It never ends. These people are putting their lives in Steve’s hand because they trust him, and he trusts me. I don’t know how he can. Does he trust me or the person he thinks I once was? I’m not that person anymore.

Devastation around me, a family torn apart all over me. I’m only fighting because of Steve, but when they block our path to the jet I smile. Let them take me. I can’t go back there. I– I’m scared. Siberia, the things I’ve done, the memories are so cold they burn. I want it to stop. I just want it to end.

> **_Do I kill the monster?  
>  If I die, will they be free?_ **

Monster.

That’s what I am. Even if they lock me away the monster still lives, dormant until summoned. It wouldn’t be enough!

I could stop the monster. Is there any distance the world will be safe from me? Six feet under isn’t too far.

> **_What if after I’m gone  
>  The cold gets colder and the storm rages on?_ **

The world would celebrate but what about Steve? He’ll blame himself, always the savior. The guilt would tear away his soul. He’ll fight the monsters of the world until the end. Unfathomable pain wouldn’t be enough repentance for his guilt ridden mind.

> ****_No!_  
>  I have to stay alive to fix what I’ve done  
>  Save the world from myself  
>  And bring back the sun 

Hope.

I can’t… I won’t do that to Steve, to myself. Maybe I am a monster but with Steve there’s hope. We can save people, protect the world from monsters like me.

The jet takes off swiftly as we head to Siberia and everything is on the line. Steve risked his life, his whole world for me. The Avengers dismantled, friendships torn apart.

I ask what will happen to them and he’s optimistic, never one to back down from a challenge. Some things never change.

What is the value of a monster? Steve answers and I’m stunned he believes in me. I’ve done terrible things and  _still_  he fully believes in me; he sees what my eyes have failed to notice. He gives me hope.

> **_I cannot be a monster  
>  I will not be a monster  
>  Not tonight!_ **

Monster.

The monsters are the wicked of the world. The monsters are cruel, reveling in the pain of others.

The monster is my maker. I am more than what they made me.

I am  _not_  a monster.


End file.
